Human Beings, Not Human Doings
Lying on my back, I watched the fluorescent lights pass one by one in the mostly deserted hallway.
“How are you doing?” asked the kind voice behind me. I continued staring blankly at the lights, unsure what to say.
Before I could formulate a response, the voice continued with a chuckle. “I mean, how are you? I want to stop saying ‘doing’ because we’re human beings, not human doings.”
Something about Nate’s honesty and sincerity warmed my heart. He and I both knew I wasn’t doing well lying in that hospital bed. Nate was gently wheeling me to get one final test before I had emergency surgery.
The question was his way of caring and seeing me not just as a transportation request to complete, but as a person in pain. Even though Nate couldn’t take the pain away, his kindness made me feel seen at a time when I felt scared and alone.
Reflecting on that experience, maybe it’s time to replace the formulaic and often insincere “how are you doing?” in our everyday conversations. We can still show kindness even when we’re speaking with someone we’ve never met before and perhaps don’t have the time or desire for a lengthy conversation.
Here are a couple of alternatives that show we care and help the other person feel seen. Some work better for people we know and others may work well with strangers. Try them out and see what works for you.
How are you feeling (today/right now)?
What’s your day been like so far?
What are you looking forward to?
What’s been on your mind lately?
How are you holding up?
Is there something you need help with at this moment?
If your life were a boat, how are the waves and weather?
How are you, really?
Personally, I like swapping “how are you doing” for “how are you feeling today/right now?” It helps bring us to the present moment and reflect on the sensations in our bodies. This can be particularly helpful when life is overwhelming.