Second Kind of Sorry
There are (at least) two types of sorry: apology and empathy.
The first is an acknowledgment that I messed up. It’s owning my actions, words, and behavior.
The tricky part is apologizing for the actual thing that caused harm - not just the emotion. For example, it’s not my anger that’s the problem, it’s what I did with my anger.
Sorry as an apology might sound like:
“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I know that’s a hurtful way of expressing my frustration and I apologize.”
“I’m sorry I brushed you off and didn’t take time to listen to you. I want to show you love by listening and I apologize that I didn’t do that earlier.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t do the dishes as I promised. I apologize and will do them now.”
The second kind of sorry is an acknowledgment that I see you. It’s recognizing the pain someone else is going through, even though I didn’t cause or contribute to it. And perhaps I can’t fix the pain either.
The key is acknowledging their experience without judgment, limitations, or comparison. This second sorry shows empathy.
Sorry as empathy might sound like:
“I’m sorry the lab lost your bloodwork. I imagine that’s really frustrating.”
“I’m sorry today has been so rough. Would you like a hug?”
“I’m sorry you weren’t able to sleep last night. I’m guessing you’re exhausted.”
“I’m sorry” is probably one of the most frequent phrases we’ll say. And we need both types. Let’s be clear on how we’re using it - either for apology or empathy.
Since apology is typically the default understanding of “I’m sorry,” we have a little shorthand at our house when expressing empathy.
We say, “I’m second kind of sorry.”
Those five words mean I see you, I care, I know this is hard, you’re not alone.