The Cure for Disappointment

Spoiler: there is none. That is unless you never dream or wish or hope for anything again, which quite a dull, apathetic way to live.

Disappointment is, well, disappointing. It sucks. No matter how much you brace yourself for it, the sting still hurts.

For kids, this happens on the regular. They wanted to wear those shorts or eat ice cream first or go to the park. Their disappointment is obvious the moment they hear ‘no, not today.’ Thankfully, kids are incredibly resilient and easily distracted, so they quickly rebound and happily chase the next thing.

As kids grow up, the disappointments get bigger: they didn’t get the grade they wanted or into their favorite school or they experience their first break up. Each sting a little more intense.

Since the stakes are typically higher for adults (often now responsible for other people), disappointments are even more severe. The diagnosis, the rejection letter, not getting the job, the miscarriage, divorce, bankruptcy, or something else.

Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we learned to cope by masking, distracting, or otherwise evading disappointment. We might try to silver-line the situation - convince ourselves that something better is out there, the timing wasn’t right, it wasn’t a good fit, we dodged a bullet, or some other well-meaning explanation.

But none of that makes the emotion go away. In fact, it just might do more damage long-term.

So what do we do when disappointment smacks us in the face? Maybe instead of trying to fix it or make it go away, we sit with it. All of it - our hopes now dashed, our feelings of sadness and frustration and disappointment, our loss of what might have been.

Eventually, perhaps we also add our gratitude for what is. I’ve heard some people say if you focus on appreciation, you won’t be disappointed. But I’ve never found that to be true for me. We can’t just swap one unpleasant feeling for a more desirable one.

But what I have discovered is that disappointment can coexist with gratitude. Loss can coexist with unrelenting hope. Sadness can coexist with tenderness.

To feel at all, we must feel it all.

Let’s make space for all the feels by holding them in tension.

To hold today: How might you hold multiple emotions in tension at once? “I’m feeling disappointed about _______ and also grateful for ________.”