The Music of My Soul
Too often, having lots of feelings or big feelings is perceived as automatically negative, too challenging, or too much.
So in addition to feeling the “right” emotions, there’s also some arbitrary limit to the amount of emotion we are “supposed” to experience and express. Honestly, as someone who feels ALL the emotions with great intensity, these restrictive expectations are even more exhausting than feeling all the feels.
A few years ago, there came a point when I was experiencing such extreme pain and grief that I could no longer pretend.
I realized I’d been living life with my foot continuously on the soft pedal of the piano - playing elevator music that kept my emotions small and palatable for everyone else. For the first time that I could remember, I lifted my foot and allowed myself to feel all the emotions reverberating in my being.
I began to experience life in a new way. It was like I was finally engaging life directly - playing each note without apology. It was genuine and raw, audacious and tender, surprising and expansive. My own unique concerto echoing through the concert hall.
As the music spilled out, I discovered a part of me I didn’t know existed. I was becoming whole. And it was beautiful. Certainly not in any pain-free, Instagram-filter kind of way. There was still loss and heartache, but because I allowed myself to feel the depths of pain, I was also able to feel the depths of desire and excitement, satisfaction and love, as well.
My big, beautiful emotions are the music of my soul. I’m playing those keys with my foot off the pedal and the lid all the way up. I’m not ashamed to make some noise.
To listen today: What sounds from your soul might you be stifling?